November 4th

My little sister's birthday.  Though she has gone home to Heaven, we still celebrate her birthday here on Earth every year.  The first year she was gone, it was only two weeks after she passed that she would have turned 30.  It was on a Sunday AND we just so happened to get the Steeler game that day (something that doesn't happen very often down here), so we had dinner at our house, watched the game and let 30 balloons go up to Heaven.  It was really sweet and I'm sure she loved it.  Funnily enough, half the balloons got stuck in our tree and never really left our yard. Lol  When Spring came around and the tree started to bloom, the balloons fell down in to our yard.

I don't know why, but I cannot for the life of me remember what we did on her 31st birthday.  I wanna say nothing too much (or I'd remember, lol)  We definitely didn't let any more balloons go.  Lol

Then this year, on what would have been her 32nd birthday, we drove out to Leesburg in the evening to let ONE balloon go ... at Ida Lee.  Where it's nice and open.  haha  Jacob ran in to Giant to help me pick out the perfect balloon!

We also picked out some pretty roses for my mama.

We picked my mom up at home (I believe my step-dad was at duty crew, maybe?), and then drove over to Ida Lee to release her balloon.  It was dark and so it was hard to get a good picture, but I got an okay one.

I hope she enjoyed her birthday gift!  (btw, Henry was with us, but he fell asleep in the car and slept through the whole thing, lol)

After Ida Lee we went to a new restaurant in Leesburg, Pittsburgh Rick's!  It seemed totally fitting for the occasion and is the closest we will get to a REAL Primanti Bros sandwich down here!  So yummy!

Ashlee's 2nd Angel-versary

This is the day all Fall/October that I anticipate and dread the most.  October 20th.  It's so difficult to get through the months and weeks leading up to that day.  I'm hoping and praying that as the years pass, it'll get easier, but I'm not really sold on that.  Last year, the first anniversary, was no where near as bad as I had thought it would be.  So, I'm thinking maybe I wasn't preparing myself as much as I should have been because on the night before the 2nd anniversary.  I had the WORST anxiety attack I think I've ever had.  My doctor had JUST given me a prescription for Xanax, and so I took one at bedtime.  I was already in the middle of the anxiety attack, so I laid down and waited to drift off to sleep, but sleep never came.  I kind of drifted in and out of consciousness all night.  I'm sure I looked like I had been run over by a truck the next day. Lol  The day of her angel-versary wasn't anywhere NEAR as bad as the night before was.  That was the trend that entire first year, too.  The week leading up to an anniversary/holiday and the day before were absolutely horrible.  The day of?  Not so much.

Anyway, that night John took me and the kids out to eat.  I was still pretty emotional and cried off and on, but we made it through dinner.  It was a sweet gesture.  I just don't know how to get through that month in one piece anymore.  :(  It's so sad.  It's my baby's birth month.  But my sister dying 6 days after his birthday has completely stolen the feeling I SHOULD have around his birthday.  If anyone has any tips on how to survive a month like that, I'd love to hear them!

Congenital Heart Walk - Pittsburgh 2014

June 29, 2014 .. that was the date of the annual Congenital Heart Walk in Pittsburgh (North Park).  Last year was the first one I had ever attended, and the first since losing Ashlee to a congenital heart defect 6 months before.  It was a hard day.  I cried a few times yet didn't let on that I was (thank GOD for sunglasses!).  This past year, however, was a lot easier and I was actually able to enjoy the day some.  It was on a Sunday morning, though, so I didn't even get to go to the cemetery.  To date I haven't been in a year, I think?  It's been too long, I NEED to go.  :(  Anyway, we had to pretty much bail as soon as the walk was over so we could on the road to get home at a decent time.

I was so happy to get to hang out with my cousins, though.  I'm always happy when I get to see them!

This year we changed our team name to "Ashlee's Angels" and had matching t-shirts made for everyone on our team.  I kind of came up with the design, but Dawn took care of the ordering of them.  They turned out so great!!

The walk was held in North Park which is actually really close to where Ashlee and Mike lived before they got married and for a little while afterwards, too.  It's such a pretty park!!

OH!  I almost forgot ... this year I was able to actually raise the minimum $100 they like everyone to try to raise before the walk, so I earned a free t-shirt.  It's not about that, though. :)  I'm just glad we could be together to walk and raise awareness for all the people living with or who were taken too soon due to a congenital heart defect.

Happy Halloween ~ 2013

Last Halloween (2012) we, literally, just went through the motions.  We had JUST buried my sister less than a week before, so it took everything in my being to get my kids dressed and out the door to trick-or-treat.  Halloween 2013 was somewhat better, thankfully. (And, Halloween 2014 will be a whole lot better darnit!)

Anyway, for Halloween this past year the boys got a little more in to carving their pumpkins.  I still think I'm the only one who really enjoys it, though.  Jacob got right in there ripping the "guts" out, but Henry kind of stayed away.  It was slimy and gross, after all.

 

 

Naturally, I had to do the outside carving for them.  That, btw, was a total pain in the rear.  But, it was so worth it to see the look on their faces when their pumpkins were all done.  I think the finished products turned out really cute!

 

 

 

 

 

Since both the boys were in to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles this year, they decided that's what they wanted to be for Halloween.  (Side note: all these super hero costumes they want for Halloween work out so well because after Halloween is over they can keep them and play dress-up with them.)  Anyway, check out our cute trick-or-treaters!

 

 

 

 

This year Henry got more in to it and knew exactly what to do.  He, of course, was following the lead of his awesome big brother, though. :)

 

 

 

 

The weather was pretty nice that night.  Warmer then it usually is on Halloween.  Despite a little bit of rain they got an awesome haul!!

 

 

 

 









Ashlee's First Angel-versary

In the weeks and months leading up to the first anniversary of Ashlee's death I really felt fine.  I was moving through life and didn't feel too anxious like I had before every major holiday throughout that first year.  But, the week or so before the first anniversary I started getting irritated over every little thing and had a lot of anxious feelings.  I was also trying to plan poor Henry's 3rd birthday, but couldn't seem to really focus on much.  As a result he had a very "half-assed" birthday.  It sucks because October used to be such a happy month for me and now it was just filled with sorrow, grief and misery. :(

On the actual anniversary (a Sunday) we decided to spend the day as a family doing something fun to take our minds off everything.  We took the kids to the pumpkin patch!  It was definitely the best way we could have spent that day.

It's hard to believe it's been an entire year since I last spoke to and saw my baby sister.  It's so incredibly unfair, but at the same time I have to believe that God had a purpose for her on this Earth and that she had already fulfilled that purpose.  She was such a bright and happy person.  After losing her, I vowed to myself to try to live my life as she had lived hers.  I know on most days I fail, but I try.

I'm making a huge effort this coming Fall to not let the grief overcome me.  I know Ashlee wouldn't want that.

Anyway, here's to my baby sister.  I hope your first angel-versary was just as lovely and as beautiful as you were and still are in all our hearts. 

 

 

Pumpkin Patch Fun!

 

 

For the past couple of years we've been trying out new places to take the kids for picking pumpkins and some good old fashion Fall fun.  Two years ago we went to Ticonderoga Farms.  Last year we did Pumpkinville in Leesburg.  And, this past year we did Great Country Farms after several people suggested it.  I think we'll be going back again this coming year because there was SO MUCH STUFF for the kids to do and then had SO MUCH FUN!

 

 

 

Right inside the gates was a cool petting zoo area where the boys were able to pet and feed some animals.  They were SO CUTE (the animals and the boys, lol)!

 

 

 

Next we started  exploring the grounds and came across this really cool GIANT pillow type thing that kids could climb on and bounce on.  So much fun!

 

 

 

While John took Jacob to swing on the rope swing, Henry and I hung out in the corn pit they had.  He had so much fun lining up all the trucks!

 

 

 

 

 

After they had checked out everything and played as much as they wanted (and we even had lunch there), we finally headed out to the pumpkin patch to pick our very own pumpkins!

 

 

 

On our way we measured little Henry ... he's exactly 3 feet tall!

 

 

 

After we were done picking our pumpkins, we went through the corn maze ... I could have gotten lost in that thing for days!

 

 

Check out that view!

 

Today was a hard day for us as it was the first anniversary of my sister's death.  But, I think spending it the way we did was, first of all, a really good thing to do for ourselves, but also something my sister would definitely have wanted.