Ashlee's 2nd Angel-versary

This is the day all Fall/October that I anticipate and dread the most.  October 20th.  It's so difficult to get through the months and weeks leading up to that day.  I'm hoping and praying that as the years pass, it'll get easier, but I'm not really sold on that.  Last year, the first anniversary, was no where near as bad as I had thought it would be.  So, I'm thinking maybe I wasn't preparing myself as much as I should have been because on the night before the 2nd anniversary.  I had the WORST anxiety attack I think I've ever had.  My doctor had JUST given me a prescription for Xanax, and so I took one at bedtime.  I was already in the middle of the anxiety attack, so I laid down and waited to drift off to sleep, but sleep never came.  I kind of drifted in and out of consciousness all night.  I'm sure I looked like I had been run over by a truck the next day. Lol  The day of her angel-versary wasn't anywhere NEAR as bad as the night before was.  That was the trend that entire first year, too.  The week leading up to an anniversary/holiday and the day before were absolutely horrible.  The day of?  Not so much.

Anyway, that night John took me and the kids out to eat.  I was still pretty emotional and cried off and on, but we made it through dinner.  It was a sweet gesture.  I just don't know how to get through that month in one piece anymore.  :(  It's so sad.  It's my baby's birth month.  But my sister dying 6 days after his birthday has completely stolen the feeling I SHOULD have around his birthday.  If anyone has any tips on how to survive a month like that, I'd love to hear them!

Ashlee's First Angel-versary

In the weeks and months leading up to the first anniversary of Ashlee's death I really felt fine.  I was moving through life and didn't feel too anxious like I had before every major holiday throughout that first year.  But, the week or so before the first anniversary I started getting irritated over every little thing and had a lot of anxious feelings.  I was also trying to plan poor Henry's 3rd birthday, but couldn't seem to really focus on much.  As a result he had a very "half-assed" birthday.  It sucks because October used to be such a happy month for me and now it was just filled with sorrow, grief and misery. :(

On the actual anniversary (a Sunday) we decided to spend the day as a family doing something fun to take our minds off everything.  We took the kids to the pumpkin patch!  It was definitely the best way we could have spent that day.

It's hard to believe it's been an entire year since I last spoke to and saw my baby sister.  It's so incredibly unfair, but at the same time I have to believe that God had a purpose for her on this Earth and that she had already fulfilled that purpose.  She was such a bright and happy person.  After losing her, I vowed to myself to try to live my life as she had lived hers.  I know on most days I fail, but I try.

I'm making a huge effort this coming Fall to not let the grief overcome me.  I know Ashlee wouldn't want that.

Anyway, here's to my baby sister.  I hope your first angel-versary was just as lovely and as beautiful as you were and still are in all our hearts. 

 

 

Henry's THIRD Birthday!

I can't believe my baby is THREE!  Three years have gone by so fast, yet so slow too.  A lot has happened to get us here, and yet here we are .. celebrating our littlest one turning three! 

October used to be such a gloriously fabulous month for us, especially after having Henry.  I loved having my Spring baby (Jacob) and my Fall baby (Henry).  It was perfect!  But, then, a year ago my entire world changed when my baby sister died suddenly at the young age of 29 (just two weeks before her 30th birthday).  I was so afraid of this month.  I didn't want it to happen, didn't want it to come.  I wanted to just wipe it off the calendar altogether .. but, how could I?? It's the month my last baby came in to this world!  He doesn't deserve to have his birthday be any less of a celebration then his big brother.  He didn't ask for this, so it's my job as his parent to make sure we still give him the proper birthday celebration.

Henry's birthday fell on a Monday this year (Columbus Day, so Jacob was off from school too), so we went to dinner and did cake presents on Sunday.  The Steelers were playing, so of course everyone got dressed in their Steeler jerseys.  My mom and Rick came over to bring Henry is birthday gift before we went to dinner ... his very own flat screen TV for his bedroom!

 



After he opened his present, we went to dinner (and I can't for the life of me remember where).  But, first, we took a few family photos.

 

As we were walking to the car to leave the house I realized my mom and both boys were wearing the exact same jersey! Lol

 

 

 

After dinner we came home for some birthday cake.  This is the part I fell short on last year (well that and I didn't get his present ordered early enough, so it came a few days after his birthday) ... I was just too depressed to do much, so I didn't bother ordering a special cake or baking one myself. :(  Hopefully he will forgive me later on in life.

 

 

 

And, finally a few days after his birthday his present from us showed up .. his very own "bum-bob" chair for in the playroom. :)

 

 

Look at my big boy in his very own chair!

 

Happy birthday, Henry J ... we love you more than words can express!!

 











Last time we talked ..

Today makes one year since I last spoke to my sister.  One year since I heard her voice and her laugh.  It's funny how I remember so much about that conversation, but other points in time I have zero recollection.  I was sitting in the hospital room with John after his second back surgery and he was pretty loopy on pain meds.  My parents had taken the kids for dinner that evening, so I could have some quiet time at the hospital with my husband.  Little did I know that I would have a LOT of quiet time thanks to all the pain killers he was on.  He would nod off in mid-conversation ... pretty funny if you ask me.  Anyway, I forget who called who, but we were on the phone for a good 45 minutes chatting about nothing really, and ... it was nice.  It finally felt like we were getting back to a normal sister relationship after a few years of a strained relationship.  I remember being completely at ease and happy when I got off the phone with her.  She was even telling me I should move back to PA, so she could help with the boys.  She loved them so much!  And I knew she'd be a huge help if we ever did move back.

We talked about that coming weekend.  My mother-in-law was coming down on Saturday and staying for the week to help me with John when he got home from the hospital.  John was also to be discharged on Saturday.  On Sunday she said she and Mike were going to the pumpkin patch to get their pumpkins for Halloween.

I also recall she was making dinner while we were on the phone.  In fact we hung up just before they sat down to eat that night.  She was making tacos ... one of Mike's favorite meals.  I remember she didn't know how much water to add to the skillet until I reminded her it was on the taco kit box.  haha  At that point she needed to go so she could set the table and they could eat dinner, so we said our goodbyes and hung up.  One thing I DIDN'T say and I will regret it until the day *I* die ... I love you.  Three simple words and I didn't say it.  They were right on the tip of my tongue, but I just didn't say it.  I've tortured myself with that guilt for a year now, and I will continue to beat myself up over it for the rest of my days.  Tears stream down my face as I type this ... I can't help it but be so sad and so sorry I never told her I loved her.  The last word I SPOKE to her was "bye", not "I love you".  I'm sure she understands and has forgiven me, but I cannot forgive myself.

It's hard to believe we're two days away from the first anniversary of Ashlee's death.  It's been one of the fastest and slowest years of my life, but I have to say ... I'm glad this past year is almost over.

Congenital Heart Walk 2013

It pains me a little to write this post, but I'm going to anyway so I can have it documented for our family.  This past June (on the 22nd) was the annual Congenital Heart Walk in Pittsburgh.  Last year I was invited to attend, but opted to stay home because John was going to PA already for a guys' weekend and I wanted time at home alone.  Now, in hindsight, I wish I had gone since it was the first and last walk my sister ever did.  I already had planned to attend this year, though, when Ashlee passed away, so I kept that promise and still went anyway. It was a super hot and humid day, but sunny and not a cloud in the sky! We brought the stroller with us just in case one of the kids pooped out and needed to hitch a ride. I can't remember for sure, but I think we finally stuck Henry in when we were about 3/4 of the way through the walk. He did really good, though, considering he's a two year old with short little legs. haha

 

It was a hard day, but I was proud of myself that I held it together for the most part. A few tears, but thankful for sunglasses ... no one could tell! My oldest cousin and her daughter were able to come, so it was really nice getting to see them. My younger cousin was supposed to be there, but couldn't come last minute .. we missed him!

   

 The walk was 1 mile and went through North Park. It was such a pretty walk! I ended up walking almost 2 miles because I'd run ahead to tell John something and then walk back to see how Henry was doing. That went on for awhile which is when I just stuck him in the stroller. lol Got in some good exercise that day, though!

   

 Here's Henry bringing up the rear with Pap. So cute!

 

This walk is also very kid-friendly! Lots of fun stuff for the kids ... face painting, balloon animals .. all sorts of fun stuff! After the walk was over we went out to Sewickley, so I could go visit Ashlee and see her new headstone. It was finally put in in late May/early June. That, too, was pretty painful, but I'm glad I went. Her headstone is gorgeous. Mike did an awesome job picking it out.

   

 "It really sinks in when I see it in stone" 

~ Miranda Lambert - Over You

 

March Digi Scrapping & Therapy?

After losing my sister back in October I've been trying to keep myself super busy.  The kids keep me plenty busy, but I've been looking for new hobbies (which is why I've been away from my blog for some long) in which to throw myself.  My photography hobby (hopefully turned business soon) is one of them.  It has kept me SUPER busy, and therefore I don't think about missing Ashlee as much.  I should add that I still miss her terribly and think about her every single day, I just don't think about how much I miss her as often since I'm so busy.  Make sense? lol  Anyway, digital scrapbooking has been my other hobby I've recently taken up and it has kind of consumed all my free time (which isn't much).

As I mentioned above, I've FINALLY learned how to use the Photoshop program I've had installed on my computer for the past THREE years.  How sad is that, that it took me that long to figure it out?? Well, thanks to quite a few You Tube videos, I finally saw what my friend, Erin, had been talking about ... "layers, layers, layers".  And, again, thanks to Erin, I joined an amazing digital scrapbooking forum called Scrap Takeout where I've been learning things here and there, and getting some amazing inspiration from other creative minds!

Here is what I was up to in March (when I learned how to scrap) ... you will notice as I start posting more and more layouts here that they are improving, but ya know ... Rome wasn't built in a day people.  :)

Thanks for looking!  I'll be posting April's layouts soon! :)