Four months.

Today marks four months since my sister passed away.  Four months.  In some ways it seems like it just happened, but in other ways it feels like it's been more like four years instead of four months.  I still have not accepted this fact.  I've started getting used to the feeling of not having her around, but every now and then I'll catch myself thinking "I need to ask Ashlee this" or "That's so funny. I should tell Ashlee this" or "I can't wait to show Ashlee what I just made" (we both love(d) crafting!), and then I remember that I can't ask her anything anymore.  I can't tell her a funny joke I heard, and I can't send her picture mail of the new valances I just made for the kids' playroom.  Sure, I have plenty of other people in my life I can share these moments with, but it's just not the same.

It's amazing how much you can miss in just four short months.  It doesn't seem like a long time frame, but it really is.  Since October 20th of last year we've had quite a few holidays and a few birthdays, too.  We've made changes here and there to our home, and Mike has made some changes to their home as well.  The boys have grown even more.  Jacob has learned his phone number and his address, plus he can write both.  He can write his name, first and last, his brother's name, and "mommy" and "daddy".  Henry is now putting together whole sentences and carrying on conversations.  He's turned in to quite the little independent two-year old.  I just know she'd love doing art projects with Jacob and dancing with Henry.

They say the first year is always the hardest after losing someone you love, so I'm thankful that we're in a "holiday lull" right now.  Since my birthday (which was January 17th) there hasn't been much that I was anxious about.  Of course I still have days where my heart aches, and I'm sad and/or cry about missing my sister, but I haven't had that impending doom feeling that I was having before every major holiday, so for that I'm thankful.

We're still dealing with our grief.  It's a slow and painful process.  I'm hopeful that we'll continue to move through this grieving period and come out of the other side unscathed. :)

Love you baby sister.  Please come visit me in my dreams soon! xoxo