I've put off writing this blog post for a week now, so I guess it's time.
One week ago, on Saturday, October 20, 2012, the world lost the most amazing woman, but Heaven gained an angel. My younger, and ONLY, sister passed away from sudden heart failure at the young age of 29. It was seriously the worst day of my life. I couldn't breathe. I started hyperventilating, and just wanted to throw up. I've never felt pain like that before. I thought I had so many more years with my sister, it makes me sick to know that that part of my life is gone forever.
Now that we've buried Ashlee, I've had plenty of time to sit and just .... think. I probably sit and think way too much for my own good because I can't help but think of the "what-ifs". Then I start thinking of all the things I should have done when she was alive that I didn't do and I feel guilty. I should have said "I love you" more. I should have made more of an effort to go see her when we were in PA. I should have called or texted more. I feel like the crappiest sister alive and I wish I could have a do-over. I'm seriously contemplating therapy because of all the guilt I carry around now. I definitely need to get in to see my doctor because I was already dealing with depression before all this started, but now with all this grief has come paranoia, fear of things I never used to be afraid of and this very dazed, fog-like state that I can't seem to shake.
I'm paranoid of losing someone else in my family or someone that I'm incredibly close to. It seems to consume me and is all I think about most of the time. I hate feeling this way, so I keep thinking if I had someone to talk to about it maybe I wouldn't feel like this anymore.
I'm afraid of being alone to the point that while we were in PA this past week I slept on the couch every night just so I didn't have to sleep alone in the guest room. Tonight John is finally sleeping in our bed for the first time since his surgery, but if he wasn't I'd be sleeping on the couch again tonight just so I don't have to sleep alone.
I am also having a hard time sleeping. I guess that's pretty normal, but it still sucks all the same. The nights I've taken Unisom I've gotten a decent amount of sleep, but I'm afraid to keep taking it because I don't want to get addicted to it.
And, the dazed, fog-like state I walk around in most of the time, I'm sure is also normal, but it still is so hard to deal with. I feel like I'm missing out on things because I just can't find the true joy in anything. I know I need to give myself some time, it's only been a week, but still ... I just hate this and I hate feeling like this.
I also want to thank everyone who has reached out to us during this very difficult time. Everyone who came to the viewing and/or funeral. From near and far, there were so many of you there and for that I, and I know the rest of my family is also, very thankful. Ashlee touched so many lives in her short 29 years, I'm glad all those touched by her were able to come to pay their respects.