My grief ...

My grief comes from all different angles.  First and foremost, I grieve as a sister who just lost her younger, and only sister.  My ONLY sibling is gone.  It's a hard pill to swallow, for sure.  I also imagine what my brother-in-law must be going through right now, and then I try to put myself in his shoes as the spouse, so I grieve as what it must feel like to lose a spouse.  I pray to God I never find out.  And lastly, now that I'm a parent myself, I imagine how my mom must feel, and I grieve as a parent who just lost their child.  I don't know how I'd ever get through the day if that ever happened to me, so again, I pray to God I never find out.

My mom, aside from the night this all happened, has been a total rock.  She wept some at the funeral home for the viewing and then again at the funeral, but other than that I've barely seen her cry.  I know she has to be holding herself together for my sake, but part of me wishes she'd just fall apart, so I know I'm not the only one who still feels this huge void and this huge weight on their chest.

I don't want to turn this blog into a sad one full of posts about grief because it is still our family blog meant to document our lives together, however writing has always been my outlet.  My therapy.  So, as I work through my grief I'll be writing here my thoughts and feelings to hopefully help make some sense of everything.

I'm calling my doctor tomorrow to hopefully get on some sort of anti-depressant/anxiety medication as I was dealing with some pretty hefty depression BEFORE all this started.  But, I also need to see if they can refer me to a grief counselor or therapist of some sort, so I have someone to talk to who is qualified to help me work through my grief.  I know I need some medicine, but I also don't want to only rely on that as it's only going to mask the pain.  I need someone to help me navigate everything I'm feeling.

Sunday would have been my sister's 30th birthday.  We're planning a celebration for her that I'll blog about later, but please keep us all in your thoughts and prayers this day.  It's only going to be the first of many hard days to come as they say the first year is always the hardest.  Thank you.