Reading Corner ~ Book 9 of 12

I made the goal to read one book a month for the year and so far I've done nine of the twelve.  Not too shabby.  I haven't blogged about them all, but I'm starting back up with that now, so here goes.

Flowers on Main - by: Sherryl Woods




When her last two plays are dismal failures and her relationship with her temperamental mentor falls apart, writer Bree O'Brien abandons Chicago and the regional theater where she hoped to make a name for herself to return home. Opening Flowers on Main promises to bring her a new challenge and a new kind of fulfillment.

But not all is peaceful and serene in Chesapeake Shores, with her estranged mother on the scene and her ex-lover on the warpath. Jake Collins has plenty of reasons to want Bree out of his life, but none of those are a match for the one reason he wants her to stay: he's still in love with her.

Jake might be able to get past that old hurt if he knew Bree was home to stay, but is she? The only way to know for sure is to take a dangerous leap of faith.

This is the second book in the series.  I started it in May and it took me until the beginning of October to finish it.  Not because it's a bad book or series.  Not at all.  But, because we had so much going on over the summer I just didn't have the time or energy to read.

Anyway, this WAS a good book despite how long it took me to finish it.  It had a pretty predictable plot as they all seem to, but I love the setting in a small town off the Chesapeake Bay.  It's kind of a local setting to me, so I love it just a little bit more because of that.  And, I'm starting to really feel connected to the characters now, so I can't wait to see what happens in the next book in this series.  It's gonna be a series that I'm sad when it ends, I can already tell.

My grief ...

My grief comes from all different angles.  First and foremost, I grieve as a sister who just lost her younger, and only sister.  My ONLY sibling is gone.  It's a hard pill to swallow, for sure.  I also imagine what my brother-in-law must be going through right now, and then I try to put myself in his shoes as the spouse, so I grieve as what it must feel like to lose a spouse.  I pray to God I never find out.  And lastly, now that I'm a parent myself, I imagine how my mom must feel, and I grieve as a parent who just lost their child.  I don't know how I'd ever get through the day if that ever happened to me, so again, I pray to God I never find out.

My mom, aside from the night this all happened, has been a total rock.  She wept some at the funeral home for the viewing and then again at the funeral, but other than that I've barely seen her cry.  I know she has to be holding herself together for my sake, but part of me wishes she'd just fall apart, so I know I'm not the only one who still feels this huge void and this huge weight on their chest.

I don't want to turn this blog into a sad one full of posts about grief because it is still our family blog meant to document our lives together, however writing has always been my outlet.  My therapy.  So, as I work through my grief I'll be writing here my thoughts and feelings to hopefully help make some sense of everything.

I'm calling my doctor tomorrow to hopefully get on some sort of anti-depressant/anxiety medication as I was dealing with some pretty hefty depression BEFORE all this started.  But, I also need to see if they can refer me to a grief counselor or therapist of some sort, so I have someone to talk to who is qualified to help me work through my grief.  I know I need some medicine, but I also don't want to only rely on that as it's only going to mask the pain.  I need someone to help me navigate everything I'm feeling.

Sunday would have been my sister's 30th birthday.  We're planning a celebration for her that I'll blog about later, but please keep us all in your thoughts and prayers this day.  It's only going to be the first of many hard days to come as they say the first year is always the hardest.  Thank you.

Henry turns TWO!

I'm trying to get caught up on all the blog posts I want to write ...

On October 14th, Henry turned two!  Hard to believe it's been two whole years already.  The day before his second birthday we had his party.  There will be a separate post on that.

Henry recently started talking more.  For awhile there I was starting to worry, but then about a month or two before his birthday, his vocabulary just started to take off.  I'm going to try to list all (or most) of the words and phrases he knows.

Mommy = Ma-ee (and sometimes it actually comes out "mommy")
Daddy = Da-ee (but most of the time it comes out "daddy")
Jacob = Gay-kob
Gee
Pap = Pa
Nana
Baba = Bottle (yes, he still takes a bottle at bed time and nap time)
Kitty = Key
Doggy = Da
Bye-bye
Hi
Thank you
Love you
Ball
Shoe
Boobie = Beebee (haha!)
Where
Go (these two words are usually used when he's asking "where mommy go?" or insert a person's name in place of mommy)
Boo boo
Juice = Jew
Baby
Doll

I know there are more words, but I can't remember them all now.  :(  I'll have to keep coming back to update the list as they come to me.  I tried so many times to start a list over the past month, but I just kept letting it get away from me, and now I can't even think of all the words he says.

On the 19th, Henry had his two year well baby visit.  He's growing great and meeting all his milestones pretty much right on target.  Here are his stats at his two year check-up:

Weight: 30lbs 10oz (75th% - 90th%)

Height: 36 1/4" (75th% - 90th%)

Head: 20 1/4" (95th%)

Life is so short.

I've put off writing this blog post for a week now, so I guess it's time.

One week ago, on Saturday, October 20, 2012, the world lost the most amazing woman, but Heaven gained an angel.  My younger, and ONLY, sister passed away from sudden heart failure at the young age of 29.  It was seriously the worst day of my life.  I couldn't breathe.  I started hyperventilating, and just wanted to throw up.  I've never felt pain like that before.  I thought I had so many more years with my sister, it makes me sick to know that that part of my life is gone forever.

Now that we've buried Ashlee, I've had plenty of time to sit and just .... think.  I probably sit and think way too much for my own good because I can't help but think of the "what-ifs".  Then I start thinking of all the things I should have done when she was alive that I didn't do and I feel guilty.  I should have said "I love you" more.  I should have made more of an effort to go see her when we were in PA.  I should have called or texted more.  I feel like the crappiest sister alive and I wish I could have a do-over.  I'm seriously contemplating therapy because of all the guilt I carry around now.  I definitely need to get in to see my doctor because I was already dealing with depression before all this started, but now with all this grief has come paranoia, fear of things I never used to be afraid of and this very dazed, fog-like state that I can't seem to shake.

I'm paranoid of losing someone else in my family or someone that I'm incredibly close to.  It seems to consume me and is all I think about most of the time.  I hate feeling this way, so I keep thinking if I had someone to talk to about it maybe I wouldn't feel like this anymore.

I'm afraid of being alone to the point that while we were in PA this past week I slept on the couch every night just so I didn't have to sleep alone in the guest room.  Tonight John is finally sleeping in our bed for the first time since his surgery, but if he wasn't I'd be sleeping on the couch again tonight just so I don't have to sleep alone.

I am also having a hard time sleeping.  I guess that's pretty normal, but it still sucks all the same.  The nights I've taken Unisom I've gotten a decent amount of sleep, but I'm afraid to keep taking it because I don't want to get addicted to it.

And, the dazed, fog-like state I walk around in most of the time, I'm sure is also normal, but it still is so hard to deal with.  I feel like I'm missing out on things because I just can't find the true joy in anything.  I know I need to give myself some time, it's only been a week, but still ... I just hate this and I hate feeling like this.

I also want to thank everyone who has reached out to us during this very difficult time.  Everyone who came to the viewing and/or funeral.  From near and far, there were so many of you there and for that I, and I know the rest of my family is also, very thankful.  Ashlee touched so many lives in her short 29 years, I'm glad all those touched by her were able to come to pay their respects.

DIY Party Banner: Mickey Mouse Theme

I got a lot of my ideas for Henry's birthday party this year off of Pinterest.  I love that website!  This was no different.  The original blog post on this banner can be viewed here. 

I used the same materials to make the two Mickeys on either end that I used when I made the invitation.  Then I used the same bowl to trace enough circles for all the letters in Henry's name, and I used the cup to trace smaller circles on scrapbooking paper.  Glued those onto the cardstock circles and then added the silver letters once the circles had dried.  The next, and final step, was to punch a single hole in the side of circle and then tie them together with small pieces of ribbon.  Super easy, just a little time consuming, and soooo cute!  Everyone raved about it.  :)

John Update: 2 of 2

John's second surgery was this morning and it went really well!  I haven't spoken with his doctor, but from what I've heard from other hospital staff, it went well and was done in about an hour.

I was unable to be at the hospital this morning because I had to get Jacob to school, so after I dropped him off, Henry and I headed over to the hospital.  John's surgery was scheduled for 7:30 AM, so he was already in the OR being worked on when we got there.  We went to his room and hung out for an hour or so before I finally wandered down to the surgical unit to find out the status.  At this point it was about 10:30, and the volunteer who got an update for me informed me it was going to be about 45 more minutes before he was brought back to his room.  Well, by this time we had to be gone to pick Jacob up from school, so the kids didn't end up seeing John at all today, and I didn't see him until this evening and only for two hours.

Later this evening my mom came to stay with the kids, so I could go back to the hospital (the original plan was for Jacob to go, but he wanted to stay home, so I didn't argue ... a little alone time was fine with me :)).  I hung out with him for a few hours before I had to come home to get the kids ready for bed.

I just feel so bad for him.  :(  He's SO miserable today.  Much more than he was on Tuesday or Wednesday.  His whole body is sore from laying in the same position.  His back and side hurt (understandably so).  He's SO itchy from all the pain meds (we've started having a night "scratch session", where I just scratch his legs, sides, back and arms to try to help some).  I wish I could take the pain away or help in some way, but I'm helpless in that regard, so I've just been trying to do whatever I can to help while I'm able to be at the hospital.

Thank you, again, for all the thoughts and prayers again this week!

ETA: I forgot ... he was running a bit of a fever last night and is running one again this evening, so please pray he's not getting an infection.  :-/  The tylenol he took last night seemed to break it and it didn't come back, so I'm praying that's the case again tonight.

John Update: 1 of 2

John's surgery went amazingly well this morning!  Thank you to everyone who said a prayer or kept us in their thoughts.  :)

Neither of us slept well last night and we were both up around 4:30 this morning without the help of an alarm.  We got ready and headed to the hospital at 5:30.  Got him checked in and waited to be called back to pre-op.  They called him back right around 7 ... we did most of our waiting back in pre-op, actually.  After they got everything hooked up, I headed back out to the waiting room while they wheeled him off to the OR.  The really cool thing about Reston Hospital Center is the monitors they have in the surgical waiting room that updates you on the patients' status.  I've never been in a hospital that has this, so it was a nice to have that to rely on throughout the day.

Around 10, John's doctor finally came out to update me that his surgery had gone well, and that he was still sleeping and about to be moved to recovery.  After 2.5 more hours of waiting for a nurse to come get me, I finally asked the volunteer they had there and as it turned out he had been sent to the "secondary recovery" (aka, pre-op).  They were out of rooms at the moment in the hospital, so he had to wait there for one to open up.  I was finally able to go back to see him, and oh my goodness ... he looked amazing, sounded amazing and was just ... amazing!  lol  You could barely tell that anything had happened to him.  He's such a trooper!  I spent the next couple of hours reading while he dozed or talking to him when he was awake.  It was really nice to just spend that type of quality time together with no interruptions (i.e., the kids, lol).  It sucks it had to come under those circumstances, but I really enjoyed the alone time we spent this afternoon waiting for a room to open up.

Once he got settled in a room, I went home to see the kids.  By this time it was almost 4 in the afternoon and I hadn't seen them at all yet.  They seemed to be a bit out of sorts, or maybe it was just me since we weren't together all day we seemed to be a bit out of sync, so tonight was a little rough, but I have faith the rest of the week won't be as difficult.  We went to dinner with my parents and then I took the kids up to the hospital to see John (at his request, he missed them today!).  We didn't stay long because Henry was in to everything and Jacob was having a hard time listening, but at least John got to see them and they got to see him.  I can't wait to go back tomorrow morning to spend some more time with him, just have to find some toys that I can take with me to keep Henry occupied (we're going to go after I take Jacob to school).

Now that the day is over and I kept it together for everyone, though, I find myself falling apart.  :(  I miss my husband.  The house seems so empty without him here.  I hate that he's in pain, but I know it's just temporary.  This is ALL just temporary, but it's still hard nonetheless.

Tomorrow ...

has snuck up on me so fast!  We will be leaving the house around 5:30 AM tomorrow (Ugh!  I forget what it's like to get up so early!!) to head to the hospital for John's back surgery.  I'm a bundle of nerves, emotions and anxiety - I won't lie.  I keep trying to hide it from him, so he doesn't worry anymore than I'm sure he already is, but I'm sure I'm not doing a very good job of it.

Please keep us, but mainly John, in your prayers and thoughts tomorrow, and I will be updating our blog tomorrow night.

Happy birthday, Henry Joseph!!

It's hard to believe it's already been two years.  These two years have totally flown by, and I am NOT a fan of that!  I wish I could freeze time, so I could keep you small forever.

You're growing in to such a lively, out-going little man.  You love to play with your big brother, cuddle with your mama and go for walks with your daddy.    You make us laugh all the time with your cute little sense of humor.

You recently entered the "terrible twos" ... constantly getting into everything you shouldn't be and then laughing hysterically when we tell you "no" and/or redirect you to something else.  We have to keep all the bathroom doors shut or we may find you playing in the toilet bowl or trying to brush your teeth.  You unplug the vacuum all the time while mommy is vacuuming the floors and then you giggle as if it were the coolest new game when mommy takes it away and reprimands you.  You throw toys and punches quite often, we're still working on breaking that habit.

You've started mimicking a lot of the sounds and words you hear us use, so your vocabulary is really starting to grow.  I'm still pretty much the only person who can understand you, though, with the exception of a few close family members.  But, that's to be expected.  I don't even know all the words you say now.  It's probably somewhere between 50-100 words with some phrases thrown in there too.

Here's a little walk down memory lane from your first few days of life ...

Fresh from the oven.

First family photo. (I'm sharing even though I'm a hot mess in it, lol)

Jacob's first time holding you.

 

Ready to go home!

 

First night at home.

Sweet sleepy baby. :)

Mommy milk coma.

Snuggled up in the moby wrap.

And, here are your birth time photos:

 

10/14/10 @ 12:56 PM

10/14/12 @ 12:56 PM 

(or as close to that as possible, lol)

Happy birthday, sweet Henry.  Our little magoo, peanut, and most recently, Henny Boo Boo ... we love you more than words can say, and can't wait to spend this next year learning and exploring with you.  xoxo

Love, 

Mommy

Next week ...

Next week is going to be pretty stressful for our little family.  On Tuesday John will be going in for a standard back operation.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.  I always get nervous before any type of surgery - mine or someone else's that I love.  I can't remember all the medical terminology, but the bottom line is that one of his discs in his lower back is almost non-existent causing him tremendous pain all the time.  He's been in pain and it's been gradually getting worse for the past few years, so it's time to have this done.  I don't like the thought of it, but I know he's going to feel like a new man when it's all over with.

So, on Tuesday morning at 6:30 he will need to be at the hospital for his first surgery.  Yes, you read that right.  FIRST surgery.  The surgery should take about an hour.  Then on Thursday he will have his second surgery.  If I remember correctly from back in August when I went with him to the Spine Institute for the appointment where they went over all the surgery details, the first surgery is to remove the deteriorating disc and then the second one is to go back in and put a cage in between the two vertebrae.  I can't remember exactly why they can't just do it all once, but I know they can't.  :)  He'll probably be discharged to come home on Saturday or Sunday and then he'll spend about a month recovering at home.

I haven't shared any of this on Facebook, so only close friends and family know about it, but it's almost that time, so I want to document it (which is the main reason for my blog - to document our life together) and share with everyone what is going on. And, if I seem testy next week, this is why. :)  Please keep us all, but mainly John, in your thoughts and prayers next week, and I'll update after each surgery.  Thank you!!

Name Finger Painting Artwork!

We love doing art projects in our house, but haven't had a lot of time for it recently, so on Friday I set aside an hour to go outside with the kids and work on a finger painting project I had been wanting to do for some time.  It had been my plan all along (since we found out we were moving back over the summer) to make these name finger paintings and to then hang them on the wall in their playroom.  I think they turned out beautifully and can't wait to share them with you!!

The canvas I had bought back at the beginning of the summer when I was working on another art project, and they were on sale ... I think they were BOGO for a two-pack, so not too bad!  Anyway, I just used blue and green finger paints that we already had and some painters tape to tape the kids' names on the canvas.

Here is the before picture right after I taped their names ... 

Jacob was really into it and did a beautiful job.  Henry, however, wasn't too keen on getting dirty.  He put the paint on both hands and then just sort of looked at it, like, "I don't think so!"  Lol.  Jacob ended up painting both of them, but ya know ... that's what big brothers are for!

   

And, here are their finished paintings ...

This is what they look like hung up in their playroom.